The Battle with Guilt

Washing the laundry (using the washing machine, of course) is my favourite house chore. I usually do one to two loads everyday. But these last few days, with the wet Sydney weather, I couldn't do the laundry as often as I usually would. Then one day, I found molds on my son's baby clothes. MOLDS! Then that's when it happened. That dark creature called 'guilt' overpowered me. How could I let molds appear on my boy's clothes? What kind of mother does that? This feeling quickly ignites another evil in me, called 'irritation'. I get irritated by the wet weather. Our damp and dark laundry room irritates me. Our lack of space to hang the laundry indoors irritates me. All this over mold on my child's clothe.

Hazzy's moldy clothes getting treated with lemon and salt.

Now that I am a housewife, I often find myself having to fight off this feeling of guilt. When my son gets scratches on his face I feel guilty for not cutting his nails sooner. When my husband starts sneezing because of his allergies, I feel guilty for not changing the bed sheets more often. When my husband falls ill, I feel like I didn't feed him properly. When the house is disorganised, when the bills get overdue, when I find dust on the lampshade, when I see clutter piled up, I feel guilty. What is it about being a housewife that does this to you? When I used to be a banker, seeing things to do piled up on my desk didn't make me feel this guilty. They just looked like things I needed to get done. It had nothing to do with my ability as an employee. When something I was in charge of didn't work out, I thought, 'OK. That didn't go so well. I won't make the same mistakes next time.' But now, I feel like everything is a reflection of what kind of mum/wife I am.

Hazzy's forehead bears the scars of his fingernails

I guess it's hard for any mum to feel like they've done all they could. I remember commenting to my mum that I used to think our family was really poor when I was little, and mum responded by saying she wished she wasn't such a cheapskate to us. I didn't mean it in that way but I could clearly see that my mum felt guilty. Are mums bound to feel like they could've done better forever?

One thing I know, although my mum might've made some mistakes, I wouldn't want any other mum. And I guess same goes for me. Although I might've made some mistakes, I did the best that I could for my family.